A day in the life

Mike getting acupuncture 

Mike started acupuncture today. He really seemed to like it so we are going to have him go once a week. The woman who does it is so kind. She's the newest addition to our team and we really like her. She says the acupuncture can do a lot for him. Such as supporting his immune system, taking away pain, helping with side effects such, as fatigue, nausea, anxiety, sleeping problems and more. He felt very relaxed afterwards which was good. I think it contributed to his overall tiredness today. Which she said it could. Next week the acupuncturist said she wants to work on me with some of my symptoms too. Fingers crossed.   

More acupuncture

Mike and I have something to look forward to. Since we couldn't go through with our honeymoon to Antigua we have decided to have many small honeymoons locally. Our first one is this Thursday-Saturday. We will be going to the adventure suites in North Conway. Mike and I usually go up to North Conway once or twice a year. Every time we drop by the Adventure Suites we talked about how much we wanted to stay in them one time. They are pretty pricey per a night but we didn't care. We booked a two night getaway. Hoping Mike will feel well. If not our room is a Showtime theme with a 10 foot TV screen and stadium seating. We can watch all the movies we want. There is also a hot tub that faces the TV pretty sweet I must say. We are also planning a road trip for the two of us. We decided that at the end of the month we would get in the truck and just drive with no destination in site. Were going to wing it stay at hotels along the way, sight see, and build memories. We are both pretty excited about it. 

Our hotel room this weekend at Adventure Suites

My mom & I at Paint Nite

Overall today was crap... Mike was wiped out from his chemo and slept most of the day. I felt pretty miserable all day too. My vision has been horrible and the crawling feelings in my head have been unbearable. At times I don't feel human... I close my eyes and just want to wake up from this awful nightmare... However, the sound of Mike's chemo pump is a constant reminder of our new lives. We don't feel like newlyweds... This stupid cancer yet again robbed us of that. After Mike went to bed I unintentionally tortured myself with our wedding photo videos that our photographer made for us... after a while I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was happy, sad, or angry. I'm sure it was a little of everything. I feel so exhausted pretty much every day. My body physically is tired. I can't even imagine how Mike's body feels : ( I try and push myself to work out on our treadmill we have in our basement every day or so but even that at times is too much to do. I always joked about how I would go crazy if I were a stay at home mom or worked from home. Well I was right it's true I do go crazy. I'm constantly picking up the house and cleaning things. At times it drives Mike nutty because it's like I am a tornado whipping through the house. Usually I'm trying to clean up one mess while I make another. I just can't sit still. I often feel so lazy and eat out of boredom, which is taking a toll on my body. I no longer have breakfast, lunch or dinner at normal times. Some days I'm lucky if I eat one meal at a normal time. I'm working on it... I am learning to do things for myself as well. When he was first diagnosed I never wanted to leave his side. The poor guy couldn't even go the bathroom with out me popping my head in to check on him. Now I feel comfortable enough to stray from the house to do things that make me feel good and "human like". I go to dinner with friends and I've gone to a Paint Nite with my mom. Who for the record is not great at painting boats but made me laugh pretty hard for the first time in a long time, god I love her! = )


I used to get anxious around hospitals, needles and sick people. I was one of those people that wouldn't put my bag down in a hospital, I wouldn't sit down on anything, I had to wash my hands every time I touched something, when I got home all my clothes came off immediately and I jumped right in the shower.  Now I could careless. I spread my junk out all over his infusion room and make myself comfortable. I'm not afraid to see the needle go through his skin and into his port, I'm not scared to watch his blood drawn through his port or see his chemo go into his veins. I now flush and take his pump off and inject him with a shot. I don't freak out when something doesn't look right. I give it time. I'm better at reading his body for signs of when something isn't right and I don't panic like I used to. I've also learned how to be very patient. Everything takes time in the medical world. I get it, I'm used to it. I'm patient at the hospital but outside the hospital is a different story.

Even with all this free time in between appointments I still feel like I have so much to do. I have all types of errands that just never seem to get done. When Mike feels good we go to work. When he doesn't feel well we stay home and rest. It feels like my body is aligned with his some days. His worse days feel worse for me too. At times I feel like a rag doll thrown around in different directions. I've organized all his medical papers in a binder...I typed up all of his family medical history for all the doctors he sees... I created an excel sheet for his meds so we could keep track and we fill his am/pm pill container once a week... I get him refills of his meds when he's low...I get him all the foods he needs... I push him to eat... I listen to his fears and I hold him when he breaks down... I make him as comfortable as I can... I'm helping to run our two businesses together so we don't lose our livelihood... I set up all his appointments and bring him to and from... I help him figure 

out the future for Ava and I if he's not here with us.. I do my best to shield Ava from it all... At the end of the day I'm exhausted I can't hold it together I literally fall to the ground and cry and scream... I've cried more tears than I ever could imagine one person could have... I get anxious out of no where and struggle to calm myself down. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong but wouldn't anyone do all these things for someone they love? At times it makes you you not want to push through life when bad things always happen. Mike and I haven't always had it easy even before his diagnosis. Looking back those dumb annoying things that never went right are all so petty to this. Cancer was the icing on the cake that we never wanted. No one or family should ever have to go through this. And to think about all the small things we sweat about in life... it really puts everything into perspective. 

I keep myself strong around Mike but when he's sleeping at night I sometimes fall apart. Tonight was one of those nights and that's okay. The picture I decided to post of me above is a bit much for me to share but my face says it all... I made a choice to write this blog so I could share our journey with others...so here it is straight from the heart no photo shop and no sugar coating... sometimes this is how I feel and I just need to let it out...

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