Updates

Things have been going good... Mike has been feeling well and has been responding to treatment. His platelets and blood counts have been stable which is always good. We have been very busy. Sometimes this is a good thing but other times it makes it feel like time is going by too fast. One thing that is a constant battle is the depression that Mike and I both have. It comes and it goes. Sometimes  you don't want to get out of bed and other times it stops you in your tracks and weighs you down. Depression is expected with a cancer diagnosis so we do what can to cope with it.

This Saturday we will be participating in the 2015 New England Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk in Boston with the Lustgarten Foundation. Our team reached and surpassed our team goal of $2,500. We have collectively raised $2,695! Click Here to see our team page. The walk itself has raised $103,017 and is rapidly growing. We are proud to say we are a part of it and are looking forward to the event. Thank you so much to everyone who has sponsored our team. We were not sure what to expect when we signed up. We are constantly overwhelmed with all the kind people that care about us and donate to our causes. We truly have the best army of supporters behind us.


October 3rd we will be having the 2nd Annual Michael Howell Softball Tournament. Again, we are pleased to say that we have reached our maximum amount of teams, we have many great raffle items that have been donated as well as donated goods to sell. We hope that people will come out to see us even if they are not competing in the softball tournament! We have tons of great raffle prizes. We will be selling food, bracelets, t-shirts, 50/50 raffle tickets and more!




Recently my friend Pam and I created a facebook pancreatic cancer group. The group is called Young Pancreatic Cancer Patients and Caregivers. In only a few short days we are up to 81 members! This group was created for young pancreatic cancer patients and/or their caregivers that are between the ages of 20 and 40. This group was also created to be a support group for young people that have been affected by this disease.

Pam & I were brought together because of this nasty disease that our husbands shared. We live over 600 miles apart but have been able to meet and spend time together many times. We have been each others biggest support system. We hope that through this group we will be able to give/provide guidance, support, advice, and share success stories to other young pancreatic cancer patients and their caregivers.

The median age of PC is 71...

As Pam & I have found out there are not many resources or support groups for young pancreatic cancer patients and caregivers.

We put an age on the group in hopes that young people 20-40 yrs old battling this disease as well as their caregivers could find a support group that best fits them. However, anyone at any age are welcome to join!

Tonight we had therapy with Ava. It went well we worked on a giant dream catcher to help catch her bad thoughts in the middle of the night. She struggles to stay asleep some nights so her therapist recommended we make the dream catcher to help her feel more comfortable. After therapy we went out to eat for our usual family dinner night.

Ava & her dreamcatcher we all made

A few weekends ago we participated in the Marino Donnelly Foundation Cornhole Tournament. We had a great time. We were able to meet other Pancreatic Cancer survivors and talk to other caregivers. Mike had treatment the day before but he still did great. I was proud of him for getting out of the house and participating. The final two teams came down to Mike & I vs my brother. Charlie and his friend Chris. My brother and Chris won! Overall we had a great time and was grateful for our families coming out to support us. Here are some photos from the event.

Jackie, Charlie (my brother), Chris, & Joe

Me playing against another PC survivor

Chris & Mike playing

Cornhole Participants

Mike & I <3

Mike's Fight Team

Pancreatic Cancer Survivors

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Setting the record straight...

I started this blog a year ago for a few reasons.

"The first reason was to share with close family and friends what Mike is going through with his disease, what we are going through as a couple, and what I am going through as a spouse and caregiver. I also started this blog to create awareness and educate others about this awful disease."

Pancreatic Cancer is a disease that not many people know much about. I hope I have been able to answer questions people have had and educate others who don't know about the disease.

I also hope that I can one day pay it forward and help others who are going through this disease. Mike and I have been so blessed with all the support and love we have received from family, friends, neighbors and complete strangers. It truly is amazing.

I have been very open with my family's story. I have shared very personal moments and information. I know not everyone can or would be willing to do what I have done. It takes courage and strength. I have used this blog as an outlet for me. I express myself best when I am able to write. I know that I have opened up my family's story to the world. People have commented or sent me messages of positive stories, prayers, kinds words, etc. Due to the nature of this blog never did I expect to receive negative comments on what I have been posting about. Like I said it has been a year since I started this and I only just have received my first negative comment. With all the negativity in the world I'd say I've done pretty well. The online community allows people to be cowards and hide behind their nasty comments. It's everywhere people writing nasty, cruel, and mean remarks towards others. Why? What's the point? I just don't get it. It goes back to the golden rule that our mothers and fathers taught us... if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.

After I posted my YouTube video last week I received a comment in the comments section. It was by a  person who goes by the name "J Fren". They tried to kindly bash myself and my families battle and with cancer. They accused us of "living well" and using donations to us to buy "extravagant items". At first I was hurt and pissed off. I didn't know why someone would attack me and my family especially when we are going through such a difficult time. They continued to ask me to defend myself and explain where the money goes and how we were able to go on vacations. I decided not to feed into this ignorant person. Quite frankly I don't give a fuck what negative people think about me or my family. I know I am a good person. I know I have hard to make VERY difficult decisions that no 26 year old should have to make. Unless you have been in my shoes you DON'T know what it's like. Having a husband diagnosed with a terminal illness is not the same as a parent, grandparent, child, friend, etc. that you helped "care" for.  A spouse is someone who you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Someone you chose to build a family with. Until you have directly cared for a terminally ill spouse then I don't care to give you the time of day and entertain your negative comments. Yes, we have been very fortunate to receive such kind donations... because we are good people that have been dealt a shitty hand in the game of life. Money doesn't change my husbands diagnosis. It doesn't buy our old life back... But it does give us the ability to pay for BOTH our medical bills, home bills, therapy, groceries, gas to and from treatments, medications, funeral arrangements, vacations to make memories with our daughter and family. People don't think about all the extra expenses that come along with being diagnosed with cancer besides just the medical bills. People often tell us take our donation and go enjoy yourselves for the day. Make a memory... treasure the time you have with one another. Go out to dinner, go on a date, bring your daughter on a trip. We have had vacations, spa packages, gift cards and more donated to us. Do you know the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that a patient and caregiver endures? Are we suppose to sit at home, not be able to work, and be depressed for the rest of our lives? NO it was very hard especially for Mike to except donations from others. We didn't want to feel like a charity case. After a year long of financial struggles along with the pain, tears, and burden we are willing to say we accept help. I made a youcaring donation page for us because people were begging to help and donate to us. If you don't like it that's fine you don't need to and we don't want you to. But to go as low as accusing a family that you know NOTHING about of taking advantage of a system is WRONG.  People donate these things to us because they genuinely care about us and want to help. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always there for others. I would give the shirt off my back if someone needed it... Right now I am that friend that needs the shirt off someone else's back...

To sum it all up "J Fren" I don't care what you think. I didn't force you to read my blog... I didn't force you to watch my youtube video... and I a sure as hell didn't force you to make a "fake" gmail account for a day just so you were able to comment on my youtube video. Technology is nice these days you can find out a lot about someone with little information. "J Fren" you know NOTHING about me or my family and Karma is a bitch. 

I apologize to those who do read my blog and do care about my family. I wanted to set the record straight and get this one off my chest. I refuse to let people accuse me and walk all over me. I have been through more this last year than most people do their entire lives. I may have never believed it 12 months ago but I am strong... I continue to get stronger every day... I will fight for my family if you get in the way. At the end of the day I know who I am deep down inside and that is all that matters. We are Howell Strong with an army behind us!

Donate to Mike's Fight... all donations go directly to Mike & I. Click Here

Each Bravelet that is purchased through this site donates $10 to Mike's Fight.
To purchase a Bravelet Click Here

Scan Results

Mike hasn't been feeling well the past few days. He has been very nauseous, dehydrated, and having pain. Things got worse on Monday morning. We had planned to spend the day together doing something we enjoyed. We had not planned what we were doing yet but I didn't care as long as I was able to spend a good day with him. Monday morning Mike woke up throwing up. He was shaking and sweating. He laid down on the couch expecting to take a short nap in hopes he would feel better so that we could do something later in the day. As noon time rolled around I quickly realized that we would not be going anywhere today unless it was the hospital. Mike slept the whole day on Monday. I tried to get him to drink fluids and eat something but he refused. He just could not stomach it. He became more and more dehydrated through the night and his pain was unbearable. Tuesday morning I called his doctor who was not on call so I had to speak to a doctor we haven't dealt with before. Of course we always want to deal with his oncologist but it doesn't always work that way. The doctor wanted him to come in to be checked out. She said they wanted to see what his labs show and wanted to give him hydration. I was in tears and all torn up because we had Ava that day. We needed someone to get her off the bus and bring her to therapy. We didn't want to cancel the session because Ava had been looking forward to therapy. She enjoys going which is great. It was hard for me to make a decision because I have never missed one of Mike's appointments, procedures, treatments, emergency visits, or anything. I made a promise to my self to be by his side every day. Mike insisted he would be fine and that he wanted me with Ava. So after some more tears I agreed and Mike's dad brought him in to Dana Farber. Being the crazy wife I am I wrote a note for the doctor with the last 4 days his symptoms, how we treated it, when things started, etc. He laughed at me. But I know how Mike is at visits he doesn't answer questions very well and forgets things that come up.

When I picked Ava up from school she was already excited to go to therapy and dinner. After each session she gets to pick where we all go to dinner. She then asked wait where's Daddy? I told her that he had not been feeling well so Papa brought him to get fluids and checked out. She goes that Daddy doesn't listen he needs to drink more! It's cute when she knows what's best for him and voices her opinion. We went home did her homework and got ready for therapy. She really enjoyed herself at the session. After we finished that we went to dinner at Uno's. We then snuck in some shopping before we went home to wait for dad to get back.

Therapy for Ava has been going really well. It is so important to Mike, Ava, and myself to be able to have family therapy. No one else knows what we are going through at home. To be able to talk about it as a family in a safe place is so important. With everything that Ava has been going though she is really adaptable. Mike and I are so proud of her. She is a beautiful child inside and out. She has a heart of gold and is incredibly kind and sweet. When I am having a bad day she is there to cheer me up with a rub on the back or a big ol' hug. She tells me how thankful she is to have me as a momma. Ava and I have always been close but since Mike's diagnosis we have become even more inseparable. When she is with us we are always up to something... playing outside, doing arts and crafts, reading books, doing our favorite thing shopping ; ). We go for walks and talk and share secrets! She has really grown up in the past year. She feels comfortable coming to me to talk about anything which is great. I am so happy that we have such an amazing relationship. When she goes back to her mom's I get bummed out. She is a good distraction for me when I am having a bad day. She lifts Mike's spirits as well.

When Mike got home he still didn't look good. I tried to get answers out of him as to what the doctor had said. I didn't get very far. He didn't remember a lot and said the on call doctor wasn't helpful. This is one of the reasons that I like to make sure I am at visits. Each night Ava has to ready 15 minutes for school. I told her to grab some books and read to daddy while he was laying on the couch. She was excited to do so and I think it was also calming for Mike to be able to listen to his daughter's voice. It was 8pm and time for Ava to go to bed. Mike was apologizing to Ava for not being able to spend more time with her that night. She kept reassuring him that it was okay.

We put Ava to bed and then I put Mike to bed. I then went downstairs to try and relax. I don't sleep much these days. Even with medication I just have a very hard time falling asleep. I've also been having a hard time with it being 1 year since Mike was diagnosed. It has been a really difficult and long year. We have had many ups and downs. Sometimes the downs are so bad that I don't know if he will pull out of it. It's so scary. I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. We all are. However we can't give up we have to keep fighting. I am so thankful that he is still here with us but it is so hard to watch my husband struggle every day. He's my rock and I don't want to ever imagine being with out him. I look around at all the young women who have lost their husband's to this disease and are now widows. I don't want that to be me. Me being a widow at 26... I just refuse to let it those thoughts get the best of me. It's not fair...  Mike has so much to live for. We have so much to still share together. Being married for only 1 year just isn't enough time. My natural instinct has always been to care for others. My whole life evolves around caring for him, Ava, our puppy and home. Without Mike I would be so lost and empty. It horrifies me to think about it but how can you not...

My puppy Sadie

Right after Mike Proposed to me

Today he was asking to just have a few good days to help pull him out of his depression of always feeling so miserable. Just a couple of good days to lift his spirits. It's hard to hear him talk this way. He's so young he shouldn't have to be dealing with this.

I had been working on and finished a video that gives a glimpse into our families battle with cancer. Tomorrow will be one year since he was diagnosed I wanted to wait and post the video then but after all the hard work I put into it I couldn't wait so I posted it early. You can see the video HERE

Back to Mike... around 1am Tuesday night I went upstairs to check on Mike and he was in rough shape. He was throwing up non stop. He was shaking and sweating. I tried giving him some pain medication and nausea meds but he just could not hold anything down. He continued to throw up for 20 minutes. At one point we thought he was vomiting blood because it was red. We then realized that he had red popsicles and that it was not blood. I was so scared I was shaking and crying. I didn't know what to do. He looked so sick. I was about to call his doctor when he finally stopped throwing up. He was able to keep some medicine down and he fell asleep shortly after. I stayed up until about 4am and kept an eye on him. Many nights I watch him sleep and stare at his chest to make sure he is still breathing...  7am rolled around quickly and I had to get up to bring Ava to school. When I got home I tried to clean up our house a bit. He woke up around 10am and was feeling better. I gave him some toast. After 3 days of not eating and losing 6 pounds he was finally able to start eating slowly. We were unable to work the whole week. Monday-Wednesday he was sick. Thursday we went back to Dana Farber for him to get a CT scan to see how things were going. After that we went straight to the Patriots home opener. Despite the rain we still had a good time! We got home around 1am and we're back up early to get back to the hospital for treatment today.

Patriots Game

His oncologist doesn't see patients on Friday's but he scheduled Mike to come in for treatment today so that we could go to the Pats game. That says a lot since his doctor is a Jets fan. My anxiety was through the roof. I couldn't wait any longer to hear his results. He came in and right off the bat made a Pats joke and then said oh your scan looks good. I didn't know I could even exhale as loudly as I did. It was such a sigh of relief. He told us that his tumors had gone done slightly and all his labs looked good. His platelets were back at a safe level. There is a chance next week they may drop again and we will have to skip treatment. He did say his surrounding organs such as his spleen, liver, lungs, and bowel show signs of some distress due to the chemo he has been on. Overall he was happy with the results and so were we. We will take the good news any day! There was a spot on his CT scan that showed some inflammation near his small bowel. He said it could be cancer growing or it could be irritation from him being sick with a GI bug. There was no way of knowing exactly. I have been having issues with my stomach for 2 weeks now so it is possible we had a bug. Hopefully that is all it is and not new cancer.

Updates:
1. We sold our photo booth business : )
2. We now have 10 teams signed up for our 2nd Annual Michael Howell Softball Tournament
We are still accepting more teams!
3. Tomorrow we will be participating in the First Annual Cornhole Tournament  to support pancreatic cancer
4.  We are still selling Mike's Fight T-shirts email me at mike.stephanie.howell@gmail.com if you are interested.
5. 16 days until we do our first Pancreatic Cancer Research walk! We are so close to hitting our team goal of $2,500! We are currently at $2,390. If you would like to donate you can do so at HERE

On September 9th I received the devastating news that we lost another friend to this horrible disease.
37 year old Stephen Olsen earned his purple wings on Wednesday. Pancreatic Cancer has taken a dad away from a 6 year old boy. He fought a good fight and together we will keep fighting. Rest in Peace Steve. Steve had reached out to Mike and I when Mike was first diagnosed. He offered support, advice, tips and much more. He always checked in on Mike and our family. You wouldn't have known how sick he was because his spirits were always high and he had a very positive attitude. Our hearts are heavy and we are deeply saddened by this news. You put up a great fight Steve and inspired us more than you will ever know! 

Shout out to my friend Pam Keenan who lost her husband this July to PC. She is such an inspiration to me. As many can imagine she is having a very difficult time with the loss of her husband. She has become one of my closest friends and feels like the sister I never had. I truly treasure our friendship. One day at a time Pam.. Mike and I love you!

Pam & Matt

Donate to Mike's Fight... all donations go directly to Mike & I.Click Here

Each Bravelet that is purchased through this site donates $10 to Mike's Fight. To purchase a Bravelet Click Here