Thanksgiving, treatments and more

First photo of Mike & I back in 20009

Mike & I had a great Thanksgiving. We went to my parents house and had Mike's family over too. It was nice to have everyone together. We played endless games of pool, joked around, and ate until we were sick. Great memories!

Mike has been feeling pretty good since his last treatment. Tomorrow marks treatment number 6. The doctor will be introducing a new drug into his treatment plan. Two weeks ago he referred to this part of the drug as a "game changer". We can only hope! As always (tonight) being the night before treatment Mike is anxious. He is also nervous about the new drug making him very sick. There is no way of knowing we just have to wait and see. Sometimes I think he psychologically makes himself feel worse the night before treatments. I completely understand it's not easy. He expects the worse every time. I wish he could be more positive because I know being positive is vital to him fighting his battle. Even though we are both living through the same nightmare, we are both experiencing two different experiences. Both of our minds are constantly racing with bad thoughts. They are so hard to shake. As always I wish I could take it all away...

He doesn't believe me but he is a very stubborn fighter. He is doing so well. He's hard on himself at times but who wouldn't be? I just remind him WE keep fighting. One of the hardest things of this battle is seeing the fear in his face. Certain looks come across his face every so often that are heart breaking. His stomach pain is hard to watch too. I hate every bit of this. Some days are so hard to get through. Mentally, physically, and emotionally... our lives feel like they are completely out of control. People often ask or say "how do you get through this?" or "I couldn't do what you do". If you were put in this situation how could you runaway or turn a blind eye. You do it because you have to. We fight because we refuse to have this disease define who we are as a couple and how our lives will turn out. 

I've had a lot of shit I've faced the past few years. A lot of shit that many people may never face in a life time... things I just can't talk about. I don't see myself as strong because of it. I see myself as a person who has faced a lot and keeps pushing through. Throwing my hands up in the air is simply not an option for me. It's a crappy way to become strong person... I didn't choose this lifestyle it choose me.  

My sleeping habits have still been horrible. My head has been miserable. My doctor is still doing tests on me. May think I have a gluten allergy... who knows... 

Mike & I have used some of our cancelled honeymoon money on ourselves. I got myself a Nikon D3200 camera. I have NO idea how to use it but am looking forward to having a new hobby. My friend Amanda who is a photographer has showed me some of the ropes but I still have a lot to learn! We also got a new bedroom set and a couch it's been nice to spoil ourselves a little bit!  

Mike & I had a great weekend with his daughter Ava. We got into the Christmas spirit! Ava's elf on the shelf, Twinkle came this weekend. She has been obsessed with it. We got our Christmas tree, we decorated the house and I put lights up outside! We're looking forward to Christmas. However Mike & I both agree that that the holidays just don't feel the same as they used to anymore. Time to get ready for tomorrow's treatment day...

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Twinkle Ava's new elf

Decorations

Christmas tree

Our lights

Elf on the shelf decoration (Ava's favorite)

Our new tree!




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Busy Weekend

A few weeks ago I saw a post from Stand Up 2 Cancer on their Facebook page. They were looking for cancer stories. I immediately jumped on that opportunity and shared Mike's fight. I didn't expect to hear anything back but I did! They highlighted Mike's story on their Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/su2c/photos/a.412773010875.194370.16991655875/10152319431540876/?type=1

The post has over 21k likes, 700 comments and almost 1000 shares! I have been reading everyone's kind words. I have even had a few people message me to share their stories and offer support and advice. It truly is amazing. I also mentioned before that Life Chronicles is coming to film us. They will be coming in December. They also said they have friends at a local news station that wants to film them filming us to raise awareness about their non profit. It's crazy how many opportunity's that keep presenting itself to us. I continue to reach out to people when I can and I won't give up. It's the least I can do to raise awareness to this disease and Mike's Fight.

On Friday I went to an infectious disease specialist. It was one of my worst experiences ever with a doctor. She was so rude. She told me there was nothing wrong with me. She said I didn't have Lyme disease or any infectious diseases based off of her looking at me and her own opinions. During the appointment Mike started to faint because he wasn't feeling well so he laid down. Later on he said it works him up when he hears doctors talk to me that way. She had almost no sympathy and proceeded to tell me that my CONSTANT blurry vision and strange symptoms were "in my head". She said it was stress. She didn't call for any tests at all and sent me on my way. I was in tears by the time I walked out. Mike did his best to cheer me up but I felt like I had my back up against the wall. Feels like I have no where else to turn for help with my symptoms (8 months later... no answers to my health). I am still seeing a naturopath...

1. Naturopathy or naturopathic medicine is a form of alternative medicine employing a wide array of "natural" treatments, including homeopathy, herbalism, and acupuncture, as well as diet and lifestyle counseling.

She has been working with me and my symptoms. I do like her a lot and am hoping she can help me. We are still in the beginning stages of getting different tests done. Unfortunately with everything going on it's just one more thing added to the stress in our lives. It so hard to wake up each day. Mike and I refer to it as groundhog day. We both sleep in till 10am or some days later. This is hard for us because we used to be up early and off to work. We hardly ever slept in before. We both feel miserable almost every day which is why it is so hard to get out of bed. Sometimes leaving the house makes us anxious. Our minds go in circles with "am I going to feel okay?" "what if I don't feel well?" It just sucks! 

After we left the doctors we went to the DMV to change my name on my license... got there at 12:30pm annnnndddddd they had closed at 12:00pm... typical it was just enough to set me off again. As I stood there crying outside the truck I was searching for the keys that were "lost" in my massive purse. Mike looked at me and said don't cry were going to get your license done and you can't cry for your picture. It was sweet of him. He always has the nicest things to say and is always looking out for me. One of the many reasons why I love him so much! We then drove to the Epping DMV because they were open later. I got my license and I am officially Stephanie Howell! Don't worry mom and dad i'll still always be a Lanza ; ) 

Silly things like the the doctor being rude, the DMV not being open, struggling to get Mike's prescriptions refilled, our Comcast cable going in and out, our toilet braking and our pipes backing up are the very frustrating things that seem to happen every day to every one! However with our current battle it feels a lot more stressful. It's always something. It often feels like the the straw the broke the camels back. Emotionally its so exhausting. Even with all these dumb little things and our health we still drag ourselves out of bed and try to make the best of each day. We have each other, we have our family and we have our friends. 

Mike & I at the Bruins Game

Mike & I had a very busy weekend! On Saturday night we got to attend the Bruins game against the Canadians and on Sunday we got to go to the Patriots game with my family. When Mike was first in the hospital at St. Elizabeth's he had a roommate in his hospital room. We got to know him well over the painful 3 days. He gave the Bruins tickets to us as a wedding gift (thanks again!) It was very kind of him. Mike and I were anxious about our busy weekend. Since Mike had treatment on Monday we were not sure how he would be feeling by the weekend. I myself still am not feeling well so I had my own worries too. However we had a great weekend! Mike & I both had our "sick moments" but over all we had a great time at both games. I was really happy to attend the Pats game with my brother, sister in law and dad. It was so great to have family time like that. Mike really enjoys spending time with them too. He says my family feels like his own. It's so nice to hear that. 

My brothers seats were better than ours. They were in the end zone so at half time he switched seats with us. We both enjoyed sitting in the second row! After attending so many games in Mike's season ticket seats it was really neat to be right in the front. It was a whole new game experience. The players were so close you could yell to them. Thanks again Charlie!

Mike & I at the Patriots Game

Tailgating with the Family!

By Sunday night we were both exhausted and our emotions had caught up with us. We held each other and cried for a while. We asked our typical questions like why us? What did we do do deserve this? How much time do we have? At times all the hope and positively we try to live with each day seems to be pushed to the side. We're only human... it happens. Mike told me something after this conversation that really stuck with me. He said, "I didn't find the love of my life to marry her then leave her alone." It still puts me in tears to think about it. It's just so hard to hear and even harder to think about. Mike is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. He always puts his "girls" first and takes care of us on every level. It's so hard to see him ill. He has crippling stomach pain every day. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes he bleeds when using the bathroom in which the doctor is aware of. The bleeding really scares me. He also takes a concoction of pills that make him nauseous to take all at once. He's a fighter though!

His daughter Ava has been doing so well with everything going on. She's beautiful, strong, and so brave. She loves her Daddy so much. Sometimes when Ava and I are alone we talk about Dad. Today I was explaining to her about how the Life Chronicles non profit would be coming to our home to film us with dad and our families. I wanted her to understand why they were coming and what they would be doing. I told her it was for us to have memories on camera with dad. Her first response was, "In case dad dies?" ..... I'm sure for anyone who reads this had the same expression on their face as I did. I paused, collected my self and said yes in case that did happen but it didn't mean it would. Again I remind you... she's only 7. She's the most beautiful child I have ever met inside and out. I love her so much and I am so happy she is in my life. My family needs a miracle. No one should have to die from this horrid disease...Ava needs her daddy and I need my husband and family. 

Ava & I

My Buddy

My family a few years ago

As I realize the time right now 12:20am I'm pushing myself to go to sleep. I still struggle to sleep at night. Mike goes to bed early and I sit downstairs in our quiet home and try to keep my mind busy. Sometimes I read information about his disease, other times I clean or talk with some of the other friends/caregivers I have met that are going through similar situations, I watch all my shows on my DVR and then eventually force myself to go up to bed. Night time is the hardest time for me. I don't like being alone, I don't want to go sleep, and I don't wake up and face reality again...

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Highs and lows

Today was a rough day for Mike. I had a therapist appointment this morning. When I left the house he was still in bed. After my appointment I did some much needed retail therapy. Then I brought us home bagels and we had breakfast in bed (even though it was late afternoon by now)! Mike thought it was silly but he didn't complain once I started feeding him! It was a nice memory. While Mike dosed off in and out of sleep I decided to do a massive closet clean out so I could be around him while he rested. I had tons of old clothes I was pulling out in putting in bags. They all ended up in the basement where Mike already told me to clean it up... Haha. Closet cleaning then turned into cleaning Ava's room and dusting our bedroom. Mike woke up and I brought him a protein shake. Then I tried getting him out of bed. It was now 5pm and he had not left the bedroom since 10pm the night before. He said he was feeling crummy. Again, his head felt off and he was very exhausted all day/night. 

I felt good about cleaning out the closet, cleaning the house, making phone calls, putting together wedding thank you cards and going through some pancreatic cancer packets and paper work that I never got around to do. Which I am now regretting! There was a lot of useful information from Dana Farber and The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. Even though I felt very productive today I still was feeling down. My own health has stilll been suffering. My head felt off, my face was flushed red and my vision was even more blurry than usual. The new doctor I have been working with finally tested me positive for a type of viral infection that may have been contributing to my symptoms over the past 7 months. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about treatment and further testing. I ended up having a break down tonight but Mike was there to pick me up. I just have been feeling less than human lately. I easily get restless and my mind wanders. I'm working on it. Even though Mike felt miserable today he was still there for me. We joked and said who's going to take care of both of us! 

Our social worker has put us in touch with a non-profit organization in California called Life Chronicles http://lifechronicles.org 

The mission of LifeChronicles is to provide comfort to people during defining times in their lives by providing video recordings about their life experiences as well as their messages of love and wisdom for future generations.

Mike and I are both looking forward to the experience. It will be emotional and hard at times but I think it will be well worth it.

Mike & I also met with the nutritionist yesterday. We both have been "failing" at getting Mike on a better diet. His nutritionist gave us some hand outs that really broke down some healthier and easier options for Mike to eat. After seeing it we both felt so silly because a lot of it is common sense... Duh! For us though we have had so much going on that it's hard for us to focus on something like that. They showed how important it is for him to eat protein after treatment to help restore his damaged healthy cells. She also talked about fruits and vegtables that help fight off and block Cancer cells. It made me feel better knowing that he wanted to  work on it together. We will try and go to the grocery store tomorrow to get some new foods!

On a side note I have meet some amazing supportive people that are going  through the same/similar situations. One is Terri Moore of Hampstead, NH her husband Matt was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. They have two beautiful young children. I often read her blog and find that it hits so close to home with similar situations we are going through. Here is her blog you can follow her too!

http://terrimoorefitness.blogspot.com

I have also been fortunate to meet Steve and Sheri Valiquet of Sutton, NH. Steve has been battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has been doing great!

A caregiver from Georgia named Kit has been great too! He helps care for his wife who is currently battling pancreatic cancer. We email often exchanging stories and support.

I recently reached out to another women named Christina from Alaska. Who earlier this month lost her husband, Jeff to his battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I admire her strength and I don't really even know her!

For me, it is so healing to write this blog and talk with others who are going through this. I've started a bond with a whole new type of family... We have all been pulled together to share support, advice, tips, information, resources, and more. It's often hard being the youngest caregiver I know. Everytime we go to Dana Farber I am the youngest in the room. I went from being a college student a few years ago to starting my career, meeting the man of my dreams to planning a wedding, finding out 22 days before the wedding that my husband had cancer, resigning from my job and caring for him. At times it's really hard I won't lie. I have so much going on wih my own health but I know Mike needs me. I often think I'm only 25... I can't believe this is how my life is now. Of course if I could I would take away Mike's Cancer but I can't. I am by his side every step of the way and I will do anything for him. I love him! 

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Good news for now!

Mike had his first CT scan last Tuesday to see how his cancer was responding to his chemotherapy treatments. Mike and I have both been very anxious, scared, and nervous about today's results. It has kept me up many of nights, feeling very anxious. I was fighting back tears in the waiting room while we waited to be called in. Our legs were shaking and I'm sure both our faces had panic written all over them.

Mike during chemo

After meeting with his oncologist we received GOOD news! There was a decrease in the tumor on the tail of Mike's pancreas, decreased (no more) fluid in his stomach, no new growths of cancer or lesions in his stomach, his tumor markers are going down and his liver, gallbladder, spleen, glands, lymph nodes, and kidneys are all acting and look normal. Finally I felt like I could breathe. We both said before the appointment that we didn't think we could handle any more bad news. For me I felt a lot of relief. I was happy to hear things are working. After meeting with the doctor we went over to wait for him to be called in for his chemo treatment number 5. Mike's face looked like he was still feeling down. I asked him what was wrong and if he was happy with his results. His exact words were, "I guess so... but I still have cancer. Cancer is still ruining my life." It was hard to hear. Here I was so happy to finally hear that the chemo was working. On the other hand I felt like I was trying to coach him to understand we had gotten good news. Mike knows it was good news but he still just wishes the cancer could be all gone... we all do. However after meeting with his oncologist and him telling us that he was very optimistic that his treatments were working was everything I needed to hear right now. I feel a little recharged and hopeful. Sometimes it's hard to be hopeful when your facing a disease with horrible odds. Yes my husband still has cancer but he is fighting as hard as he can for his girls and I love him so much!

Mike's Fight

Purple for a Purpose!

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World Pancreatic Cancer Day & First Scan

Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day!

Today is the first annual World Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day! It was great to see family and friends posting photos on my facebook of them wearing purple and supporting the cause.. Thank You! We have met some pretty amazing people that are involved with his disease and determined to help raise money, awareness and find a cure. We love our new friends and all of the support they have given us! Shout out to Amy & Brian Nelson, Amiee Sherman and Pamela Acosta Marquardt who is the founder of the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network! I got to speak to Pamela myself which was pretty amazing! 

Wearing my purple for a purpose at work!

On Tuesday Mike had his first CT scan to see if the chemotherapy has been working. Mike's dad went into Boston with us. We had to get there 90 minutes before his scan so he could drink certain fluids with medicine in it. This would help line his stomach & intestines for when they did the scans. He also had contrast put into his port to help the scan images. Mike and I have been terrified of this scan... We had to wait until he completed 4 treatments which was 8 long weeks. This scan has left my heart racing and both of us very anxious for days now. We will find out on Monday what the pathologist reports says. We decided to go to this appointment on alone. We have been openly sharing Mike's Fight with family and friends but we want to go to big appointments like this on our own. We need time to fully absorb the information we receive in private before we can share with our family, friends and so on. We feel like we are having flashbacks to when we waited the first two weeks for his diagnosis... I've been trying to prepare myself for this appointment. If the scan comes back that the chemo is not working we have other options... but other options scare me because those options could run out one day. If the scan comes back that the chemo is working then we will be able to breath easy for a while. Mike's oncologist says he thinks the chemo is working... but the scan will have to prove that for us. 

Mike's Fight

Mike has been having a lot of pain since his last treatment. We are worried things are not as good as the doctor is thinking. He had been doing better with treatment 2 and 3. Since his last chemo treatment (number 4) he has defiantly felt worse. He often complains about his head feeling "off" (I know that feeling all to well). He looks off and he's been more fatigued than usual too. He has battled a few fevers as well. For those of you who don't know cancer patients are suppose to go to the hospital if they get a fever of 100.4. They are at greater risks of infection due to their low white blood cells. Every time his temp even goes up a little I panic on the inside. His immune system is so fragile that getting sick could really compromise his health. His oncologist said anyone around him should have their flu shot and if anyone is sick to not come around. Ava had a cold on Monday so Mike wore a mask and kept his distance. It's hard for her not to snuggle with daddy when she's sick but she understands she does not want him to go to the hospital. His pain is my biggest concern. This awful disease leaves me thinking we never know when or if things could turn for the worse. I haven't been sleeping well. Some nights I am up until 1 or 2 in the morning. Mike has been going to bed around 8 or 9. Those nights that I am up alone are the worst. It's a scary reminder of what the future could be like... alone. I hate to say it but it scares me. I just can't imagine being without him... we refuse to let it be a possibility in our minds. We have to stay positive and hope for the best. He tells me every once in a while that he will be the first person to beat it. God I hope he's right.

My Perfect View ; )

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Mini Honeymoon

Mike & I had an awesome mini honeymoon away to the white mountains. We stayed at a really cool hotel called Adventure Suites . They are definitely worth checking out. We stayed in the Showtime room. It has a 10 foot theater movie screen, stadium seating, fire place, popcorn machine, bar, back porch that viewed the mountains and more! We also had our own heart shaped jacuzzi tub that we could watch TV from. Even the toilet was impressive! It opened, closed, and flushed on its own. It was heated and had options to wash and dry parts of your body that I was not aware of... haha When we first arrived at our room there was chocolate covered strawberries in the fridge compliments of the hotel! We also had a note from a women named Victoria from Tuckerman Brewery. She had read about us on this blog and left us a nice 12 pack of Tuckerman's beer, two drinking glasses and two tokens to have a free tour of the brewery. Thank you Victoria!!! People have been so kind to us. Complete strangers have been touched by our story and given us more than we could ever had imagined. Mike and I are truly blessed.

The first night we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in Jackson, named the Red Fox. Mike wasn't feeling well at this point so we headed home after dinner and picked out some movies to watch on our theater screen from our jacuzzi. Mike then headed to bed early and I stayed up watching movies for hours. I was bummed out that he was so exhausted but I understood why. The next morning we went off to shop at the outlets, went to Cathedral Ledge, we also went on our tour of Tuckerman's brewery. Mike and I were there alone so it was great for us. Was nice and relaxing. He watched me sample all four beers and hung out with the bartender. I may or may not have been a bit drunk come time of the tour... Needless to say I left with a giant bottle of great tasting local brewed beer. From there we went to get dairy queen and went on our own moose tour hunt. We had no luck and it was beginning to blizzard out so we headed back to the hotel. We watched another movie in the jacuzzi! I was off to bed early that night and Mike stayed up and watched a movie. Saturday morning a masseuse came in and we both got massages in our room. Which was GREAT! Then we packed up and headed home. Overall we had a great time! It was defiantly some much needed time alone together. We both look forward to doing more new and exciting things together. 

Mike & I at Tuckerman's Brewery

Mike & Stephanie at Cathedral Ledge

Me lounging and taking in the view

Mike hanging out in front of our room

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A day in the life

Mike getting acupuncture 

Mike started acupuncture today. He really seemed to like it so we are going to have him go once a week. The woman who does it is so kind. She's the newest addition to our team and we really like her. She says the acupuncture can do a lot for him. Such as supporting his immune system, taking away pain, helping with side effects such, as fatigue, nausea, anxiety, sleeping problems and more. He felt very relaxed afterwards which was good. I think it contributed to his overall tiredness today. Which she said it could. Next week the acupuncturist said she wants to work on me with some of my symptoms too. Fingers crossed.   

More acupuncture

Mike and I have something to look forward to. Since we couldn't go through with our honeymoon to Antigua we have decided to have many small honeymoons locally. Our first one is this Thursday-Saturday. We will be going to the adventure suites in North Conway. Mike and I usually go up to North Conway once or twice a year. Every time we drop by the Adventure Suites we talked about how much we wanted to stay in them one time. They are pretty pricey per a night but we didn't care. We booked a two night getaway. Hoping Mike will feel well. If not our room is a Showtime theme with a 10 foot TV screen and stadium seating. We can watch all the movies we want. There is also a hot tub that faces the TV pretty sweet I must say. We are also planning a road trip for the two of us. We decided that at the end of the month we would get in the truck and just drive with no destination in site. Were going to wing it stay at hotels along the way, sight see, and build memories. We are both pretty excited about it. 

Our hotel room this weekend at Adventure Suites

My mom & I at Paint Nite

Overall today was crap... Mike was wiped out from his chemo and slept most of the day. I felt pretty miserable all day too. My vision has been horrible and the crawling feelings in my head have been unbearable. At times I don't feel human... I close my eyes and just want to wake up from this awful nightmare... However, the sound of Mike's chemo pump is a constant reminder of our new lives. We don't feel like newlyweds... This stupid cancer yet again robbed us of that. After Mike went to bed I unintentionally tortured myself with our wedding photo videos that our photographer made for us... after a while I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was happy, sad, or angry. I'm sure it was a little of everything. I feel so exhausted pretty much every day. My body physically is tired. I can't even imagine how Mike's body feels : ( I try and push myself to work out on our treadmill we have in our basement every day or so but even that at times is too much to do. I always joked about how I would go crazy if I were a stay at home mom or worked from home. Well I was right it's true I do go crazy. I'm constantly picking up the house and cleaning things. At times it drives Mike nutty because it's like I am a tornado whipping through the house. Usually I'm trying to clean up one mess while I make another. I just can't sit still. I often feel so lazy and eat out of boredom, which is taking a toll on my body. I no longer have breakfast, lunch or dinner at normal times. Some days I'm lucky if I eat one meal at a normal time. I'm working on it... I am learning to do things for myself as well. When he was first diagnosed I never wanted to leave his side. The poor guy couldn't even go the bathroom with out me popping my head in to check on him. Now I feel comfortable enough to stray from the house to do things that make me feel good and "human like". I go to dinner with friends and I've gone to a Paint Nite with my mom. Who for the record is not great at painting boats but made me laugh pretty hard for the first time in a long time, god I love her! = )


I used to get anxious around hospitals, needles and sick people. I was one of those people that wouldn't put my bag down in a hospital, I wouldn't sit down on anything, I had to wash my hands every time I touched something, when I got home all my clothes came off immediately and I jumped right in the shower.  Now I could careless. I spread my junk out all over his infusion room and make myself comfortable. I'm not afraid to see the needle go through his skin and into his port, I'm not scared to watch his blood drawn through his port or see his chemo go into his veins. I now flush and take his pump off and inject him with a shot. I don't freak out when something doesn't look right. I give it time. I'm better at reading his body for signs of when something isn't right and I don't panic like I used to. I've also learned how to be very patient. Everything takes time in the medical world. I get it, I'm used to it. I'm patient at the hospital but outside the hospital is a different story.

Even with all this free time in between appointments I still feel like I have so much to do. I have all types of errands that just never seem to get done. When Mike feels good we go to work. When he doesn't feel well we stay home and rest. It feels like my body is aligned with his some days. His worse days feel worse for me too. At times I feel like a rag doll thrown around in different directions. I've organized all his medical papers in a binder...I typed up all of his family medical history for all the doctors he sees... I created an excel sheet for his meds so we could keep track and we fill his am/pm pill container once a week... I get him refills of his meds when he's low...I get him all the foods he needs... I push him to eat... I listen to his fears and I hold him when he breaks down... I make him as comfortable as I can... I'm helping to run our two businesses together so we don't lose our livelihood... I set up all his appointments and bring him to and from... I help him figure 

out the future for Ava and I if he's not here with us.. I do my best to shield Ava from it all... At the end of the day I'm exhausted I can't hold it together I literally fall to the ground and cry and scream... I've cried more tears than I ever could imagine one person could have... I get anxious out of no where and struggle to calm myself down. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong but wouldn't anyone do all these things for someone they love? At times it makes you you not want to push through life when bad things always happen. Mike and I haven't always had it easy even before his diagnosis. Looking back those dumb annoying things that never went right are all so petty to this. Cancer was the icing on the cake that we never wanted. No one or family should ever have to go through this. And to think about all the small things we sweat about in life... it really puts everything into perspective. 

I keep myself strong around Mike but when he's sleeping at night I sometimes fall apart. Tonight was one of those nights and that's okay. The picture I decided to post of me above is a bit much for me to share but my face says it all... I made a choice to write this blog so I could share our journey with others...so here it is straight from the heart no photo shop and no sugar coating... sometimes this is how I feel and I just need to let it out...

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Wedding Photos

Wedding photos :) from our amazing photographer! Rebecca Garone

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A Day of Fun then Back to Reality

Sunday November 2nd Mike was able to attend his first Patriots game of the year. = ] Mike has had season tickets for the past 12+ years. Depending on the years schedule we usually go to 4-5 games a year. Opening day this year we were at Dana Farber getting his pump taken off.  After missing the Patriots home opener, I learned quickly how to take his pump off at home. 

Mike and I had a great time at the game even with the cold and snow! It was a long day and I wasn't sure if either of us would make the whole day. We did make it and I am glad. It's memories and days like yesterday that we live for. It was nice to see Mike smiling and happy.



Drive into treatment

Mike and I dread every other Monday... which are treatment days. We had such an awesome time the day before. The nights before treatment feel like the day before school starts again after a long and fun summer. It's a snap back to reality. We both woke up today feeling annoyed and frustrated that he had to go for treatment. It's so exhausting and emotionally straining. We didn't want to go but we knew we had to. I used to love driving into the city and seeing the Boston skyline... now I hate it. It reminds me of cancer no matter which way I look at it.

Treatment went okay today. Mike rested most of the time. One of the side effects of chemo is cramping and numbness in the hands and fingers. He also gets neuropathy which is the tingling, numbness, and extreme cold sensitivity in his hands and sometimes feet. This drives him crazy. It leaves him unable to use his hands at time which is very frustrating for him. The doctor said it may get worse with each treatment and we will have scale back on some of his chemo drugs at some point. Another side effect during treatment is his eyes start to twitch uncontrollably for long periods of time. Today he was very nauseous as always. The nurse gave him medicine twice for the nausea, which helped. I tell him everyday how strong he is.



Mike getting his treatment

Mike has always been a physically and emotionally strong guy. He has and is always there for me. However it hasn't been easy since he was diagnosed. His body gets so weak at times and emotionally he is drained as well. We take turns breaking down and letting go of our fears and worries to one another. The last two times after we have gotten home from his treatment I've completely lost it. It's a long day... Cancer has taken a lot away from us and will continue to do so however it will never take our love away from one another. He tells me everyday that he couldn't do it without me... the truth is I don't know what I will do without him... I hate to think about it... makes me sick to my stomach everyday. The reality of this disease can't be pushed to the side and forgotten about. I will do everything in my power to make sure he has the best fight of his life. We just want our lives back... we want to feel normal instead of helpless. I've been seeing a therapist who I have a great relationship with. She has been working with me to keep me focused on being in the moment and enjoying Mike & I's special moments together. I swear this is what got me through my wedding with out being an emotional mess. I love my husband!
 

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