Holidays

Treatment #7 didn't end up being such a great one. Two Saturdays ago Mike woke up and couldn't get out of bed. He was dry-heaving, sick to his stomach and he had a lot of stomach pain. He stayed in bed the whole day. I kept bringing him up food and liquids to drink. He was so nauseous and he couldn't keep anything down. It was awful to watch. Then he would get the sweats and feel like he was going to pass out. I wanted to call his oncologist but he insisted that he would be fine. I now know not to listen to him... Four days later on Christmas Eve we ended up back at Dana Farber. I had called his doctor on Tuesday night and he insisted that we came in on Wednesday. I was upset because I didn't want to go to DF on Christmas Eve. I had planned on cleaning the house and preparing food all day. But Mike's health comes first. I knew we had to go so he could feel better. Mike was in a lot of pain again on Tuesday night. He couldn't get off the couch. To make matters worse I was in the kitchen getting food ready for Christmas and saw something out of the corner of my eye go running across the floor. I started screaming and jumped onto one of the chairs. It had looked like a rat! Mike came in but missed the animal! Then we could not find it and I started to think that I had hallucinated and never really saw anything. About 10 minutes later it came back upstairs and Mike spotted it. It was a mole! We have no idea how it got into the house. I called my dad crying and he came over with traps to help us get it out. We were not able to get it out on our own but my dad and Mike's dad went through the basement and we think it may have ran out the door while they were moving things around. We have not seen it since so it must have gotten out. Needless to say we did not have any visitors on Christmas Day thank god!

On Wednesday, Mike's dad went to the hospital with us. The doctor was disappointed that we didn't call sooner... Mike was severely dehydrated and had lost 12 pounds from the week before. The doctor gave him new meds to help with his constipation from all the narcotics. He also got 2L of fluids. He was feeling better by the time we left. Once we got home he took a nap before we went to my parents for Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were a blessing! Christmas Eve was at my mom and dads and Christmas Day was at our house. Both days we spent with all of our immediate family. Mike felt good and was able to eat and drink again. Thanks to Mike's brother Doug and Tim I found my new love of wine/champagne. I kept saying how I was grown up and was more sophisticated. :) We played pool, exchanged gifts, and ate tons of food. Ava had a great Christmas too! She had tons of gifts to open and was really excited the whole day. Mike and I both agreed it was the best Christmas ever! 

Mike's Family

My Family

The Howell's <3

Typical Day

Ava & her new bike

Me & my Fighter!

Like I've said before we need to have a few good days to forget about all the bad days and suffering that goes with it. Every day is a struggle but every day he feels good is a victory for us and we will take it. 

Today was treatment #8 for Mike. He woke up feeling pretty sick. He had a migraine and started to throw up. He didn't think that he was going to make it to treatment but I kept insisting that he needed to go. Even if the doctor decided that he didn't want him to have treatment I wanted him to get checked out. After learning the hard way too many times I don't like to mess around when he doesn't feel well. We were late but we made it. My mom came with us today. She was on Christmas shut down at her work so it was one of the only times she would be able to come in with us. It was nice having her there. Mike did awesome at treatment today. I didn't think he was going to do so well considering the way he was feeling this morning. His nurse Elena is amazing. She knows what Mike needs and likes. She got him a private room with a bed today which he prefers over the chemo chair. She also turned the heat off for him so the room was cooler by the time we got in there. Last week we gave her a card with a purple ribbon and a Mike's Fight bracelet. Today she was wearing both of them. It's amazing to see how much the staff cares for Mike. He truly is in good hands at Dana Farber. He was able to sleep most of the time and he didn't get sick. When we got home he surprised me and even ate some dinner! I am so proud of him. I can not imagine what he is going through physically and mentally, but yet he handles it so well. I am honored to be his wife and I love him so much.

I've been doing pretty well too. Emotionally I have been feeling pretty good. It never gets easy. The scary thoughts never go away but you find a way to get through it each day somehow. I will never understand the why's and what if's. There's no point wasting your time and energy on those things. You just have to do what you have to do in the moment. We hug and kiss as often as we can. We tell each other we love each other all day long... it never gets old. We laugh and we cry when we need to. We do it all together... I know I am not alone and neither is he.

Mike and I are happy to say that we have booked a vacation! In February Mike, myself and Ava will be taking a road trip to Disney World in Florida. We can not wait. It will be a great time. Mike's brother got us a video camera for Christmas so between that and my new fancy camera we will be making many memories! We are hoping that some of our families will be able to meet us in Florida too.

Praying for Mike to have a quick recovery from this weeks treatment!

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Tough days

Mike had an awful day on Saturday. He wasn't able to get out of bed all day. He was in excruciating pain, dry heaving, and had the sweats and chills. I thought he was going to have to go to the hospital if we couldn't get his pain under control. Luckily I was able to get him to eat and drink a little bit and take his pain meds enough to get him more comfortable. Once he stops eating and drinking fluids it's hard to keep him from getting dehydrated and setting him back. This makes it harder to bring him back from the pain and dehydration. 

Some days it's just about focusing on each minute and what we have to do in that moment. Watching him finish eating some pears and an applesauce is a small  victory for us both. 

We had dinner plans with my parents that night that we had to cancel. It was not a big deal we all understood he wasn't feeling well and it was not worth him trying to get up to be miserable. My parents and I both fully understood. He was disappointed and hard on him self for as he put it "ruining dinner plans". In all honestly he didn't ruin anything. I was content staying home and picking up the house (who would have thought!) So he stayed in bed and rested. Days like these are so hard for me. They are even harder for Mike and his body. The pain was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. Each wave of pain drains his body more and more until he his exhausted. Easier said than done I try to push him through the pain and get him through it. These bad days scare us both. We never know if things could take a turn for the worse and we don't know how bad things can get. We try not to think about these things. We try and focus on mindfulness. (Keeping our minds focused on the present moment) They are not posivite thoughts for our minds however they are impossible thoughts to fully avoid. 

Mike was doing better today. He looked better but still was not quite himself. He is still very nauseous and has stomach pain. He is not eating and drinking as much as I would like. But I do understand that it is a huge struggle for him to eat and drink. One of the side effects of chemo is lost of taste. He says all food tastes horrible and it's hard to eat when he's not feeling well. I totally get it I can't imagine anything tasting good. He's lost over 40 pounds since he was diagnosed. We both don't want him to lose more weight because it makes him weak and harder to fight. I'd have to say he is so strong. Stronger than most people that are in his shoes. I am so proud of him! 

Nothing is guaranteed in life... I thought I was on top of the world 3 months ago... I was good at my job I was getting ready to have my dream wedding and we were planning out our future together... Then it all came crashing down. Literally in the matter of days. One excruciating day after another that lead us to his unimaginable diagnosis. It has really put life into perspective. None of us are promised to live these long elaborate lives and we are not promised to live one day to the next. Anything can happen to anyone. No matter how healthy you think your life style is or how invincible you may think you are. Anything can change in the matter of moments. This is something most people don't realize while they live their busy lives. You get so caught up in life. I learned to drop everything and to step back and look at my life. To not take people for granted. To not get wrapped up in work and take it home every night... Only to miss out on time with your loved ones. Nothing is more important or more valuable in life than your family... Nothing! Family is everything. A lot of people can't slow down and realize that. It's sad and I feel bad for them. Another lesson I've had to learn the hard way...

This is such a hard life struggle to face at such a young age. It has made me think of everything in life differently. It's made moving on in life harder. I can't say I look forward to much of anything now. These thoughts stem from the anxiety and depression that has set in. Mike and I both take a low dose medication each night to help us sleep and get through each day. This was hard for us to do at first. We both refused to take any kind of anxiety medication but we learned quickly that we needed it and that was okay. This new life sucks.. Ava and I both agreed we would rather break both our arms and legs so daddy didn't have to go through this... Another thing in life you can't do is bargain with your health... You get what you get... You learn to live with it or not. We choose to take it day by day because that's all we can handle right now.

I have to thank everyone again for all the generous gifts and donations we have received. People have been amazing to us. If it wasn't for our fundraiser we would be seriously struggling with money right now. Every little bit helps. We are not able to work much right now. Not working has been very hard on both of us. We both learned at a young age to work for the things we want in life. Since age 13/14 we both have always had a job. Not working makes me feel like I'm failing. However I wouldn't give up the time I spend/care for Mike to go to work. He needs me and I need him. After the holidays I will be looking for some work that I can do from home to help pay the bills. If anyone knows of some at home work I could do please email me at slanza24@yahoo.com anything at this point would be helpful. Thank You! 

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Moving through the motions...

Mike has still been feeling pretty crappy from his treatment he had on Monday. I always feel bad when he's hooked up to his pump for two days. He feels tethered down and looks miserable. I don't blame him. He doesn't sleep well on his back and his pump forces him to sleep on his back. I disconnected him from his pump this afternoon and gave him his immune boosting shot. His mood always changes for the better once he gets it off. He always heads straight for the shower. When I was disconnecting him Ava was watching me. I was showing her the needle that goes into Dad's port. She looked at it and was a bit squeamish. Mike and I like to keep her involved so she can some what understand what dad is going through. She seems to appreciate it and often will ask questions about his cancer and treatments. She still seizes to amaze me with how she is handling everything. Last treatment Mike may have had a reaction to his immune boosting shot. We will be keeping a look out to see if it happens again. His oncology told us apparently taking claritin can prevent him from having a reaction. 

Mike has been very tired the last two days. He slept till noon and went to bed early both days. I hate seeing him so miserable. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He's always been my rock and is so strong. I will never understand why this had to happen to us or why it happens to anyone. It's just not fair... During treatment it's like he's unrecognizable. This stupid disease strips him of his personality. Then the following week he looks great and we are able to get out of the house and do things. The stress my body has been enduring is exhausting. It makes my illness worse... I don't blame him for it though it's not his fault. It's hard to keep positive every day. One day at a time... The holidays also feel very different this year. They just don't feel the same as they used to. Nothing feels normal anymore. We are just moving through the motions of each day the best we can. 

After telling Mike I was convinced that his car was leaking gas for two weeks I found out it was my car that was leaking. Last month one of the coils rotted out and it stopped driving. That was $230 to fix. Today we found out I need an entire new gas tank because it was junk that's $500+. Very frustrating! To top it off my computer is about to blow up. It keeps over heating and shutting down. I had to tape the battery in because that broke too. However I can't focus on these small negative problems. I just don't have the energy.

Mike and I really need something to look forward to. When Mike was diagnosed with cancer it was 22 days before our wedding. We were able to look forward to the wedding. Then we looked forward to our mini honeymoon in North Conway. Now it's winter, it's cold and Mike has trouble going outdoors due to his hands cramping up from the cold. We feel like we have nothing left to look forward to. We need something positive to look forward to. We have been thinking about planning a trip. However we both refuse to fly. His white blood counts are low due to treatment and it's risky for him to fly. Our last flight to Florida Mike passed out on the plane. We had thought he was having a seizure. That flight was horrible and has scarred us ever since. We also both have way too much anxiety to step foot on a plane. This is why we cancelled our honeymoon to Antigua in October. We often regret it but it was the sacrifice we took. Not having a honeymoon has defiantly continued to upset us both. Before the wedding like anyone else we worked hard and looked forward to it. We used to stare at beautiful catalogs of bright blue seas, swim up bars and beaches in Antigua. I guess we will never fully get over it. Hopefully in the future we can do something nice that will stop us from beating ourselves up over it. 

Tonight Ava and I made an advent calendar while Mike rested. Here it is below! She was a great little helper! Her and Mike kept yelling at me for being too hard on myself. Anyone who has worked with me or knows me well... I am a perfectionist... So every time I yelled at myself for making the numbers too close to each other or making the tree crooked they reassured to me it was great. It still took me two attempts but here it is!

Tomorrow Mike plans to finish up some Christmas shopping and wrapping. I am going to my previous employers for a holiday work party. I am very much looking forward to it. Family Service has been so good to me. Not only do they do amazing work but some pretty great people work there too! I very much miss my Stand & Deliver students and mentors. 

Time to check on Mike and Ava and then enjoy my guilty pleasure of watching my reality TV shows (that Mike thinks suck!) oh well!

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It's Been A While

It's been a while since my last post. Mike & I have been busy like everyone else trying to prepare for the holidays and making things as normal as possible. One of the hardest things about this unwanted journey is trying to live life with cancer on a daily basis. The rest of the world continues to go on while we are still in the shadows trying to make sense of everything. It always feels like we're a day behind and trying to catch up. Stupid things keep happening that push us down mentally. Things like car troubles, paperwork not being filed correctly, medical bills and some other very unfortunate but unmentionable things. We are trying to do the best we can to get all of our affairs in order to make things easier on us. All these stresses make it mighty difficult to get through the day sometime. We know it's normal and everyone has these issues it just seems like we can't catch a break. We just keep pushing through the best we can.

On December 5th we had an amazing experience with a non-profit organization based out of California called Life Chronicles. 

The mission of LifeChronicles is to provide comfort to people during defining times in their lives by providing video recordings about their life experiences as well as their messages of love and wisdom for future generations.

The founder Kate Carter flew out to meet with us. She also had a local friend (former NBC worker) that wanted to film her filming us to raise awareness about her non-profit. They hope to submit a film to the New York Times to have it published. We will see... She filmed Mike and I alone and with our families. She asked us some pretty tough questions on camera that you would never imagine to ever be asked on the spot. The experience meant a lot to me. Mike understood that and I am thankful that he allowed for these strangers (who became friends) to come into our home. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced about some good times and bad. I look forward to seeing the footage some day when we are ready. I would highly recommend this experience to anyone who is facing a tough disease or to someone who is elderly. In fact I already did recommend it to some new friends of ours that are battling cancer and they did it too. It is a great way to capture moments with those you love during a difficult time. Our hopes are that Mike, myself and our families will be able to watch this video a long time from now all together. If Mike is not with us in the future at least I will have these precious memories... I am happy we got this opportunity. If you are ever looking to donate to a worthy cause please consider Life Chronicles. They have given us something we could never do on our own during a challenging time. They work hard to give this amazing gift to people in difficult situations. Like any non profit they live off of donations. I will defiantly forever pay it forward to them and donate to them each year. Thank you Kate Carter and the Life Chronicles team! You truly make a difference with your hard work and precious gift.

Mike had treatment number 7 today. He was very anxious going into it. We found out that we were not going to have our regular oncology nurse today and it made him very nervous. His anxiety kicked in while we were in the waiting room. His blood draws were scheduled at 12:15pm today we didn't see his oncology doctor until 1:30pm and we got into his infusion room at 2:45pm. Treatment started at 3:00pm and ended at 6:30pm. It was our normal 9 hour day. His usual nurse, Elena was away on vacation. Elena always does everything she can to make Mike feel comfortable. In fact she makes all of us feel at ease. All the nurses and doctors we have had experiences with at Dana Farber deserved a huge THANK YOU for the hard work they do. 

Mike does not handle treatment days well. He doesn't like being in the hospital... no one does. Today, he struggled with treatment more than any other session. Right when he gets hooked up for treatment he almost immediately feels sick. He gets extremely nauseous, his skin gets very pale, he twitches and shakes, gets the chills and then sweats. Today he was dry heaving a lot and his stomach kept turning. They pumped extra anti nausea meds into him every hour or so. They seemed to help. It's so upsetting to see him like this. I stay strong for him during treatment but by the time I got home tonight my emotions were all over the place. I took a shower and completely broke down. I stood there while the scolding water burned my skin but yet I felt completely numb. I hate to cry in front of him. I want him to keep his head as clear and positive as he can. I don't like to bring him down but sometimes I have no control over it... He has a lot of negative thoughts he has been struggling with... I mean who wouldn't. I wish he would talk to therapist. I don't mind being his outlet for his fears, worries, and what ever else he needs. However I think at times he needs another outlet so he doesn't have to worry about being a burden on me. For those of you who know Mike he is not a talker. He doesn't talk about his emotions he doesn't turn to others when he's upset. He's private and keeps to himself when it comes to others. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do but I can provide him the tools so they are there if or when he needs them. 

We bought a juicer and have been experimenting with it. I've read that juicing can be very beneficial for him. Wheat grass in particularity has a lot of health benefits for him. He doesn't mind drinking the not so pleasant concoctions I make him. Poor guy... he's a trooper. Our friend Kc is helping us get the organic fruits and vegetables to juice. It's hard for us to get to the store on a regular basis. Juicing requires a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. We are thankful that Kc can help us out with that. Thanks Kc!

Wheat grass I juiced for Mike

Drinking his juice :)

I've been pushing myself to work out a little bit everyday. It's sad I have to push myself so hard some days but I feel better after I do it. When Ava is with us she likes to work out with me too. Here she is doing step aerobics while I am on the treadmill. She's adorable... I love that kid.

Ava & I exercising

As for my health I saw a new doctor for my symptoms. I went to an Ear, Nose, & Throat doctor. She is looking into my dizziness to see if this is something going on in my ears. Feels like just another direction. I have to have a test done at the end of January. We will see...

Recently Mike & I have been spending time with friends and family. This means a lot to us. We are so blessed and we really enjoy our time with them all. My mom and I went to a glass nite with my godmother a few weeks ago. We painted wine glasses. 

Paint Nite

Last week Ava had a Christmas Pageant at her school. My family and Mike's family all went.

Our families misbehaving! ; )

Ava at her Christmas Pageant

Ava's class singing

This past weekend Mike, Ava, myself and my parents went to the Stone Zoo to see the lights and animals. After that we stopped at Dunks and enjoyed some hot chocolate! It was a good time. My brother Charlie and his wife Meaghan, and Kc came over to watch the Pats game with us on Sunday. We ate tons of food and had some great laughs. Mike's mom Judy also came over and cooked us dinner. His brother Doug spent the night with us last night. Mike went to bed and Doug and I stayed up playing xbox, snacking, and watching Spice World (sorry Doug). Talk about a blast from the past. Good times! The other day all I wanted was a chocolate covered edible arrangement. I was having a rough day and posted it on facebook. Then my godmother Susie came to my rescue and surprised me with white chocolate covered pineapple! It was delicious... thank you Susie you have been great to us! Another friend of ours mother has been bringing us food as well. Thanks for thinking of us Laurie!  

Family Photo with Santa

Mike & I at the Stone Zoo

My Love

Ava & I having some hot chocolate

I want to thank the friends and strangers that still continue to donate to Mike's Fight. We are forever grateful for everyone's kindness and generosity. I wish I could personally thank everyone!

I'm off to snuggle with my husband now. Goodnight!

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