Moving through the motions...

Mike has still been feeling pretty crappy from his treatment he had on Monday. I always feel bad when he's hooked up to his pump for two days. He feels tethered down and looks miserable. I don't blame him. He doesn't sleep well on his back and his pump forces him to sleep on his back. I disconnected him from his pump this afternoon and gave him his immune boosting shot. His mood always changes for the better once he gets it off. He always heads straight for the shower. When I was disconnecting him Ava was watching me. I was showing her the needle that goes into Dad's port. She looked at it and was a bit squeamish. Mike and I like to keep her involved so she can some what understand what dad is going through. She seems to appreciate it and often will ask questions about his cancer and treatments. She still seizes to amaze me with how she is handling everything. Last treatment Mike may have had a reaction to his immune boosting shot. We will be keeping a look out to see if it happens again. His oncology told us apparently taking claritin can prevent him from having a reaction. 

Mike has been very tired the last two days. He slept till noon and went to bed early both days. I hate seeing him so miserable. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He's always been my rock and is so strong. I will never understand why this had to happen to us or why it happens to anyone. It's just not fair... During treatment it's like he's unrecognizable. This stupid disease strips him of his personality. Then the following week he looks great and we are able to get out of the house and do things. The stress my body has been enduring is exhausting. It makes my illness worse... I don't blame him for it though it's not his fault. It's hard to keep positive every day. One day at a time... The holidays also feel very different this year. They just don't feel the same as they used to. Nothing feels normal anymore. We are just moving through the motions of each day the best we can. 

After telling Mike I was convinced that his car was leaking gas for two weeks I found out it was my car that was leaking. Last month one of the coils rotted out and it stopped driving. That was $230 to fix. Today we found out I need an entire new gas tank because it was junk that's $500+. Very frustrating! To top it off my computer is about to blow up. It keeps over heating and shutting down. I had to tape the battery in because that broke too. However I can't focus on these small negative problems. I just don't have the energy.

Mike and I really need something to look forward to. When Mike was diagnosed with cancer it was 22 days before our wedding. We were able to look forward to the wedding. Then we looked forward to our mini honeymoon in North Conway. Now it's winter, it's cold and Mike has trouble going outdoors due to his hands cramping up from the cold. We feel like we have nothing left to look forward to. We need something positive to look forward to. We have been thinking about planning a trip. However we both refuse to fly. His white blood counts are low due to treatment and it's risky for him to fly. Our last flight to Florida Mike passed out on the plane. We had thought he was having a seizure. That flight was horrible and has scarred us ever since. We also both have way too much anxiety to step foot on a plane. This is why we cancelled our honeymoon to Antigua in October. We often regret it but it was the sacrifice we took. Not having a honeymoon has defiantly continued to upset us both. Before the wedding like anyone else we worked hard and looked forward to it. We used to stare at beautiful catalogs of bright blue seas, swim up bars and beaches in Antigua. I guess we will never fully get over it. Hopefully in the future we can do something nice that will stop us from beating ourselves up over it. 

Tonight Ava and I made an advent calendar while Mike rested. Here it is below! She was a great little helper! Her and Mike kept yelling at me for being too hard on myself. Anyone who has worked with me or knows me well... I am a perfectionist... So every time I yelled at myself for making the numbers too close to each other or making the tree crooked they reassured to me it was great. It still took me two attempts but here it is!

Tomorrow Mike plans to finish up some Christmas shopping and wrapping. I am going to my previous employers for a holiday work party. I am very much looking forward to it. Family Service has been so good to me. Not only do they do amazing work but some pretty great people work there too! I very much miss my Stand & Deliver students and mentors. 

Time to check on Mike and Ava and then enjoy my guilty pleasure of watching my reality TV shows (that Mike thinks suck!) oh well!

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