Mike had an awful day on Saturday. He wasn't able to get out of bed all day. He was in excruciating pain, dry heaving, and had the sweats and chills. I thought he was going to have to go to the hospital if we couldn't get his pain under control. Luckily I was able to get him to eat and drink a little bit and take his pain meds enough to get him more comfortable. Once he stops eating and drinking fluids it's hard to keep him from getting dehydrated and setting him back. This makes it harder to bring him back from the pain and dehydration.
Some days it's just about focusing on each minute and what we have to do in that moment. Watching him finish eating some pears and an applesauce is a small victory for us both.
We had dinner plans with my parents that night that we had to cancel. It was not a big deal we all understood he wasn't feeling well and it was not worth him trying to get up to be miserable. My parents and I both fully understood. He was disappointed and hard on him self for as he put it "ruining dinner plans". In all honestly he didn't ruin anything. I was content staying home and picking up the house (who would have thought!) So he stayed in bed and rested. Days like these are so hard for me. They are even harder for Mike and his body. The pain was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. Each wave of pain drains his body more and more until he his exhausted. Easier said than done I try to push him through the pain and get him through it. These bad days scare us both. We never know if things could take a turn for the worse and we don't know how bad things can get. We try not to think about these things. We try and focus on mindfulness. (Keeping our minds focused on the present moment) They are not posivite thoughts for our minds however they are impossible thoughts to fully avoid.
Mike was doing better today. He looked better but still was not quite himself. He is still very nauseous and has stomach pain. He is not eating and drinking as much as I would like. But I do understand that it is a huge struggle for him to eat and drink. One of the side effects of chemo is lost of taste. He says all food tastes horrible and it's hard to eat when he's not feeling well. I totally get it I can't imagine anything tasting good. He's lost over 40 pounds since he was diagnosed. We both don't want him to lose more weight because it makes him weak and harder to fight. I'd have to say he is so strong. Stronger than most people that are in his shoes. I am so proud of him!
Nothing is guaranteed in life... I thought I was on top of the world 3 months ago... I was good at my job I was getting ready to have my dream wedding and we were planning out our future together... Then it all came crashing down. Literally in the matter of days. One excruciating day after another that lead us to his unimaginable diagnosis. It has really put life into perspective. None of us are promised to live these long elaborate lives and we are not promised to live one day to the next. Anything can happen to anyone. No matter how healthy you think your life style is or how invincible you may think you are. Anything can change in the matter of moments. This is something most people don't realize while they live their busy lives. You get so caught up in life. I learned to drop everything and to step back and look at my life. To not take people for granted. To not get wrapped up in work and take it home every night... Only to miss out on time with your loved ones. Nothing is more important or more valuable in life than your family... Nothing! Family is everything. A lot of people can't slow down and realize that. It's sad and I feel bad for them. Another lesson I've had to learn the hard way...
This is such a hard life struggle to face at such a young age. It has made me think of everything in life differently. It's made moving on in life harder. I can't say I look forward to much of anything now. These thoughts stem from the anxiety and depression that has set in. Mike and I both take a low dose medication each night to help us sleep and get through each day. This was hard for us to do at first. We both refused to take any kind of anxiety medication but we learned quickly that we needed it and that was okay. This new life sucks.. Ava and I both agreed we would rather break both our arms and legs so daddy didn't have to go through this... Another thing in life you can't do is bargain with your health... You get what you get... You learn to live with it or not. We choose to take it day by day because that's all we can handle right now.
I have to thank everyone again for all the generous gifts and donations we have received. People have been amazing to us. If it wasn't for our fundraiser we would be seriously struggling with money right now. Every little bit helps. We are not able to work much right now. Not working has been very hard on both of us. We both learned at a young age to work for the things we want in life. Since age 13/14 we both have always had a job. Not working makes me feel like I'm failing. However I wouldn't give up the time I spend/care for Mike to go to work. He needs me and I need him. After the holidays I will be looking for some work that I can do from home to help pay the bills. If anyone knows of some at home work I could do please email me at slanza24@yahoo.com anything at this point would be helpful. Thank You!
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My mom was diagnosed last year with stage 4 pancreatic Cancer that spread to her liver. She would get dehydrated and we ended up scheduling outpatient hospital visits one a week to get fluids. This helped a lot. Milkshakes, ensure plain pasta to get calories up. Stay sitting up 30 minutes after eating to help get food down. Iron important.
ReplyDeleteHallmark of the cancer is fatigue.