Where dreams come true...

Mike had his 47th treatment this past Thursday. He has been tired but doing well. In the past few months Ava has understandably struggled with her dads cancer. We spend a lot of time talking about his cancer. Wishing that we can take it away or that it never even happened. We even talk about what would happen if the cancer took him from us. These conversations are always tough but knowing we have one another always helps us get through it. We don't know what the future holds but Ava and I will need one another for the rest of our lives. We share a special bond that no one can or will ever break. Unfortunately Ava has had to deal with toxic people in her life that don't seem to make things easy on her. She has spent many times crying to Mike and I about very hurtful things that are said to her... about herself, about her dads illness and about myself. She has even been shamed (not by us) for speaking up about the truth. Some people are just bullies it's as simple as that. They are miserable in their own lives and will go to any lengths to bring others down with him. To tell a child it's better if her father dies, or that I gave him cancer along with many other sick and twisted lies is just VERY wrong. The damage that could be instilled in her by these actions is tremendous. As my dad always says you just can't fix stupid. We teach her how to protect herself and provide her with all the love in the world. You can't change negative... toxic... inside and out down right ugly... jealous... selfish people. That's okay words are just words. They don't bother Mike and I and we will continue to teach Ava the same. Mike and I can't always protect her but we can continue to provide her with love and with the support that she deserves and needs. Ava is a smart girl she knows better than that. If I could trade with Mike and take the cancer into my own body so that Ava and him could be together forever I would. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. No matter what happens I will always be here for Ava for my entire life I'm not going anywhere and she knows that. One thing for sure is that little girl will never go a day doubting the amount of love that Mike, myself and our families have for her. She is one of a kind and I'm so blessed to call her my daughter. Some of our favorite moments we share are when we go for walks and talk or when we laugh and giggle together for hours. I never thought I would learn so much from a sweet and loving little soul. Between the two of us with so much sadness in our lives you can still always find a twinkle in her eyes and a smile on my face when we're together. May 1st is step Mother's Day and Ava has planned the day out for me I can't wait to see what's in store! 

On a happier note Mike and I were given the opportunity to surprise Ava with a road trip to Disney World. We woke Ava up at 4 in the morning one day and dragged her into the car leaving her to wonder what it was all about! We had a lot of fun and made some great family memories driving to Florida. We were so thankful to have a great trip with amazing weather and lots of fun! Mike did great on the trip. One day he rented a scooter due tinhusbkegs being very sore but the rest of the time we walked. We are always concerned with how his body will react to big events and he did so well. We stopped in North Carolina along the way as well as in Savannah, Georgia which was beautiful. We stayed on the beach in Daytona and made our way to the newly renovated Disney Carribean Beach resort. We had lunch with 5 Disney princesses in Epcot, we hung out with Micky, Minnie and the gang. We spent time at Hollywood studios where Ava loved the Indianna Jones stunt show. We had lunch in an old 1950's car at a drive in theatre restaurant under the stars. Lastly at Magic Kingdom Ava was feeling daring and we went on many rides. Ava got in tons of swimming at the gorgeous pool (so glad last summer swim lessons paid off!) We can't complain our vacation was great. Creating family memories is the best medicine. We get to slip out of our every day reality and into our own fantasy land. We are so grateful for these opportunities. Here's some photos! 

To donate to Mike's Fight Click Here  

Just stop and think about it

About a few weeks ago Mike's oncologists had let us know his blood sugar levels were very high. They continued to monitor him and said he may be developing diabetes. He has been feeling dizzy, lightheaded and very exhausted along with a constant thirst that no liquid seemed to satisfy. To me it made sense that he was diabetic with the symptoms he had been experiencing. They did a glucose test that checked his levels over the past few months and decided that he did develop diabetes and needed to start medication. Mike of course wasn't thrilled and was ready to refuse to take another daily shot. He is still on daily blood thinner shots, fortunately for him they are now once a day opposed to twice a day. Thankfully the diabetes Meds were in pill form. He started on a pill once a day to help monitor his blood sugar levels. There are few reasons why he developed diabetes.  Diabetes runs in his family both on his mother's and father's side. The steroids he receives weekly from chemo also causes blood sugar levels to increase. His diet which includes many sweets, sodas, and juices doesn't help. Having PC cancer also can contribute to diabetes. 

What is diabetes?


Diabetes is a disease in which the body does not make or properly use a pancreatic hormone called insulin. Insulin helps the body utilize glucose (sugar) efficiently. Normally, insulin allows glucose to enter cells to be used for energy. In the case of diabetes, either the body does not produce enough insulin or the amount that is produced is not fully effective. Instead of entering cells, the glucose remains in the blood resulting in high blood glucose levels. 

There are several types of diabetes. Type 1 type 2 and an "other" category. Mike falls within the "other" category. Other types of diabetes result from specific genetic conditions, surgery, medications, infections, pancreatic diseases (including pancreatic cancer) and other illnesses.

Due to Mike's cancer his pancreas no longer functions properly. He struggles with food/liquid digestion as well as his insulin levels. Symptoms from these are less than pleasant. It cause stomach irritation, struggles with bowels, indigestion, fatigue, dizziness, irritability, neuropathy (tingling in hands and feet) and the list goes on. 

When Mike found out he was diabetic he didn't react too much. His words exactly were, "hey why not just throw it into the pile of symptoms." He has dealt with so much physically, mentally, and emotionally... Even I have struggled physically, mentally and emotionally. Even though it's not my body that's intruded with cancer. 

Our lives are seen through completely different eyes than before. We are forced to live like he is dying because in all honestly we were told he is... I know that it makes many people uncomfortable to hear me say that. I'm not being negative or giving up I'm just stating what the reality of this shitty situation is. Yes we have hope for a cure or that he will fight for many years, but at the same time his diagnosis engulfs us and defeats us on a daily basis. We know his disease is incurable... We know this chemo isn't going to save him. We know we're "buying time". With all this being said what do you think goes through his mind? I ask for YOU who are reading this right now to stop and think what would YOUR life look like or what would YOU think if YOU were told that YOU were dying but not exactly sure when and there is nothing YOU can do about it? But it's not just that you are dying but your body will continue to suffer and deteriorate right before your very own eyes as well as in front of your loved ones eyes. I'm sure you would say "I... just... can't.... even... imagine..." and then you would continue to read this blog and go on with the rest of your day... week... even life. Today I'm just asking you to stop and really think about it... Force yourself to put yourself in Mike's shoes. Think about the people that would be affected, maybe you have kids...  bothers, sisters, parents even pets... think about your job... how the pay cut would effect you or even the job you would eventually have to leave or be fired from. Your rent your mortgage the place you call home. Your medical insurance and the medical bills. How would you sustain it all and oh yeah while you worry about these parts of your life don't forget about the fact that your ill, your body is weak and your tired. EVERYTHING changes. What you can and can't do (dreams & future). What you want to do but no longer can (plans & activities). What you have to do but don't want to (hospitals & chemo treatments). By thinking about it maybe it will help you put your life into perspective or maybe it won't do anything for you. My hope is that it helps make you think. Instead of simply saying "I... just... can't... even... imagine" or "I don't know how you do it" or "I couldn't handle that" or maybe some people subconsciously think... thank goodness that's not my life. I just want you to think about how much something like terminal cancer changes you and your life. 

Your friends come and go, you become a part of a new community... The cancer patient and caregiver community. You meet new people that are struggling just as bad in every aspect of their lives. However it's a bit of a relief for them to know exactly what your going through. There really is no good way to explain what it is like for Mike and myself in this situation. Like I've said many times before our lives are a roller coaster. It's hard to get our heads straight. As for me I'm constantly struggling with my short term memory loss. I used to jump out of bed the first time my alarm went off, I was always on time. I didn't forget things daily and behind these smiles I wasn't an angry person always on edge. It's from the amount of stress I've been under for 20 months. Constant... constant stress, anxiety, and depression. I hate that I've forgotten what it's like to wake up and not worry. To go out to dinner and not have a panic attack. I'm tired of looking at other families when we're out who are happy and laughing. I'm tired of wondering what it would be like for Mike and I to have our own baby... What would he or she look like. Would they have my miniature ears or have Mike's dumbo ears? I'm tired of avoiding people I see in public that I know just so I don't have to talk about my husband's cancer. I miss making plans and sticking with them. I hate wondering if future plans will include Mike being there too. Those are just a few things that haunt me on a daily basis.

There's so many things we'd rather be doing today but today we have to go to treatment. My husband will walk into outpatient treatment today visually looking well. We hope he will receive his chemo which will be his 47th treatment. He will take his usual nap. But when it's time to leave he will visually not look so well and may or may not use a wheelchair. 

To donate to Mike's Fight Click Here