My posts have not been as often lately. Partly because there hasn't been a lot that I have wanted to talk about. We've been trying to "live with cancer instead of honing in on it everyday". I just needed a break... Today makes treatment number 10 for Mike. He has been feeling pretty good the last two weeks. He has had very minimal pain in his stomach. He has been eating and drinking which is always a plus. We have been getting out more often. However he does have a lot of anxiety when we are out and around a lot of people. It comes over him hard and fast. Sometimes I don't recognize him when the panic attacks set in. It's awful... I feel so helpless. I worry about him all the time. I try to cheer him up but sometimes we just need the silence to get through. Lots of hugs, kisses, and I love yous!
Dana Farber was a zoo today. A lot of people came in early to get treatment due to the storm coming in. All of his appointments got pushed back and we got started late. Mike had a rough time the last hour of treatment and the whole ride home. He was extremely nauseous, his hands were cramping and useless and his body has been twitching all over. We braved the storm on the ride home. Luckily there wasn't too much traffic and I got us home pretty quickly. Mike went right up to bed and I cleaned up the house in case we lose power from the Nor'easter headed our way, 3 feet of snow... really??
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| Mike's Fight |
As you can imagine Mike's cancer has come to define us in the way we live each and every day. We have been forced to have very difficult conversations that newlyweds shouldn't have to have at such a young age. Of course we have scrambled our brains with the why, when, where, how and what ifs, however none of that matters it doesn't change that cancer has unwantedly crept into our lives. Although there are 300+ million people in the US "only" about 40,000 people a year are diagnosed with PC and it remains one of the more rare cancers and yet one of the most deadly. The war on cancer has provided some stunning progress... here are some stats on 5 year survival rates prostate- 98%, breast- 86% Hodgkin's- 85%, kidney 61%, colon- 61%, ovarian- 55%, brain- 32%, stomach- 24%, lung 15% and pancreatic.... 5%. It's hard to believe given that we are in the 21st century and we still don't have a cure... sneaky bastard. Like every other great cause we need more awareness for PC! There still is a chance and we have hope. It may be a slim chance but it's still a chance. Statistics are the results of what's happened to other people, not Mike. Every person's case is different, at different stages. Statistics are for the entire universe of cases and no one statistic can apply to Mike's individual case.
One of our struggles is continuing to live life as normally as possible. The fact of the matter is that everything has changed. Energy levels are low and filled with fatigue, emotions are strapped into a roller coaster on speed and every day tasks are often hard to complete. When Mike and I can work he struggles with the neuropathy in his hands. It has increasingly gotten worse and will most likely continue to the point where his oncologist will pull back on his chemotherapy. Most conversations with others begin with "how are you feeling?" "how is Mike doing?" Which then translates into the repetitive conversation of what's happening on the battlefront. Don't get us wrong we appreciate everyone's concerns for Mike's well being but it can be repetitive and mentally draining. Job after job we go into collect money after finishing cleaning the windows and we get the rapid fire of questions and conversation all centering around his illness- how he's holding up, what's next in his treatment, what do the doctors say, concerns and sympathy. It makes for a very uncomfortable and unwanted conversation day after day. After a while Mike gets upset and the anxiety settles in and sometimes spirals out of control. We could be having a good day until these conversations bring us down. This is a huge reason why I started this blog. To help keep friends and family updated as much as possible to prevent those difficult conversations. I have a hard time not answering the questions that I am asked in regards to Mike's health. I'm smiling and being polite on the outside however each question is a painful reminder of how this disease is impacting our lives and every day duties. I hope I don't come off rude. It's just that we have been robbed of a lot these past 5 months and sometimes we need our privacy. We don't like surprise visitors. Our home is our safe haven. Where we have lost control over a lot in our lives sometimes we need to feel like we can still be in control of other things. If we don't return a text or phone call please don't be offended. Sometimes Mike and I are just not in the mood to talk and don't want to feel obligated to answer every phone call and text when we are having a rough time or spending quality time together. A simple thinking of you goes a long way for us.
No new updates with my health still suffering from my chronic symptoms...
We are looking forward to our road trip to Florida. Mike's oncologist is going to pull back on some of his chemotherapy in order for him to feel better for the trip. We all agreed to not skip his treatment completely. We can not wait to be in the sunshine state with our families!
Ava has been doing well. She is excelling in school and has been an amazing daughter. She normally keeps to herself about Mike's illness but the other day I witnessed her first break down. It was hard to handle but I let her cry in my arms while she talked through her scariest thoughts. It was the first progress we have seen in her understanding daddy's illness. I reassured her that I will always be there for her and so will her daddy. No matter what anyone says she is my daughter now and I love her more than words can explain. After her breakdown we read a book on cancer and answered a few more questions in her book about dad's cancer. She was back to her normal happy self pretty quickly. Later that night I told Mike what had happened and he was visibly upset. It was hard to watch him like that... we held each other while we spilled out fears to one another. They are the hardest conversations I've ever had to have in my life but ones that can't be avoided. Mike and I's communication with one another is huge to our relationship. We are in this together no matter what.
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