Feeling defeated

Before the day had begun I could feel it was going to be a long one. Mike had been having pain in his feet and legs since Monday. It kept getting worse each day. He hid it a little bit from me knowing that I would be on his butt to get him in to see the doctor. On Wednesday it became very noticeable that he could barely walk up and down the stairs. The pain started to shift into his left leg more prodominately and continued to get worse. My first thought was a blood clot. I begged him this morning to let me call after he noticed his ankle was starting to swell. Not sure why I had listened to him and didn't call. Over the summer I had learned to call when I felt it was urgent. Things had been going well the past few months so I kind of forgot all about that. When we got to Dana Farber today all the nurses noticed his limping and let the doctor know. First thing his oncologist said when he walked in.... Take a guess...  "why didn't you call!" His concern was a blood clot too. He had a few options hold off treatment go to Brigham and Women's ER right away. Try to fit him into an appointment for a ultrasound right then and come back for treatment. Depending on what the ultrasound said he could come back and get treatment either way. If the images proved to be a blood clot he could get started on blood thinners today and still get treatment. If it didn't show a blood clot then he could get treatment and go right to the ER after because it was concerning that we didn't know what was causing his crippling pain. However his amazing oncologist scrambled to worked his magic and got him in for a ultrasound that minute. After some disagreements in making him take a wheel chair down to the Brigham his oncologists and I won. I quickly wheeled him down to vasular diagnostics. As I waited for him to come back I called our parents to notify them of the situation. Before we left the house Mike and I had packed overnight bags just in case he need to be admitted to the Brigham. We've learned to come prepared now. As I sat there I managed to keep it all together. I wanted to fall apart but just honestly didn't have the energy to do so.

Before he had gotten called back he yet again looked so defeated. He wants to give up he's tired. His body is tired. His depression has set in again. It's so hard to keep him positive when I can barely find the strength to do so myself. We're both worried because he's been off part of his chemo (abraxane) for over a month now due to his nails suffering from the toxicity. We worry it's been too long. With treatments getting shifted around were scared his tumors will grow or spread. Once we get a few big appointments out of the way we will push forward full force so he can get back on track. His port has also not been working so we will need to have a test done to find out if it needs to be replaced. Though it may not be a big deal it's just one more thing we need to find time to do. It's also very discouraging. Mike hated that procedure because he has to be awake while they cut into his chest right in front of him. 

After Mike came back from his ultrasound he said the techs had noticed right away that there was a spot that showed up as a blood clot. It was sent to be reviewed and we would have to wait back at Dana Farber for his results. I wheeled him from the Brigham back to Dana. I had felt relieved that it was a blood clot because now we knew what it was and would not need further testing or an ER/hospital stay. Mike wasn't relieved either way. The only way he would ever be satisfied is if they said his cancer was gone...

Mike started his chemo (still gemzar) only.   Today was his 40th treatment! The doctor came over to the infusion room and confirmed that Mike has a large blood clot behind his left knee. I will need to give him a blood thinner injection twice a day in his belly for an unknown amount of time. Mike is upset about. Just one more thing to have to remember... One more thing to worry about... It may not be the worst outcome right now but it defiantly doesn't help. His oncologist told us that it is very common for pancreatic cancer patients to get blood clots. I guess I was unaware of this. It was the first time I had heard it. Goes to show I still learn something new every visit. 20-45% of PC patients develop a blood clot. The doctor explained the blood systems runs in a very balanced way for a healthy person. It clots when it needs to and circulates when it's suppose to. The cancer causes an imbalance and throws off the flow. It could happen again and we now know what signs to look for. After the doctor left I ran downstairs to the pharmacy to pick up the shopping back of shots I will be giving him.

Cancer has yet again thrown us in to a depressed state. While he got his infusion we sat mostly in silence. Not because we were mad but because we just didn't have much to say. We feel the same way we're sad, scared, worried and much more. This photo of Mike shows what I just can't seem to find the words to say...

Defeated 

With a heavy heart I am also sad to say that a fellow cancer fighter lost his battled on Saturday. Matt Moore, 38 has been fighting brain cancer for the past 15 months. He was diagnosed right after Mike. I have become very close to his wife Terri and she told me the news Saturday morning. They have two little girls 2 and 5. My heart breaks for them... I'm so glad I have made friends and connected with others but hate under the circumstances that it has happened. 

RIP Matt Moore.

http://www.eagletribune.com/news/new_hampshire/hampstead-officer-succumbs-to-cancer/article_f9230d03-537c-5efe-a3a7-7e5dab5df883.html 

It's hard because we feel like all the connections we have made have pasted on now. We feel like sitting ducks..

We need a miracle. 

The car ride home I will fight back tears the entire way. It will only be a matter of time until I lose it. But tonight I will crawl into bed with my husband and hold him tight... 💜

To donate to Mike's Fight Click Here
All donations go directly to us. 

Each Bravelet that is purchased through this site donates $10 to Mike's Fight.
To purchase a Bravelet Click Here