Fighting every single day

Playing with the exam chair at DF.
It was funnier in person because Mike was
pretty high off the ground.

This past Thursday Mike completed his 4th cycle of Gemabraxane and he now has a week off. Overall, Mike has completed 30 chemotherapy treatments. He will continue to have treatments for the rest of his life or until there is a cure for Pancreatic cancer. However, for now he will enjoy is week off and won't have treatment again until November 5th. When he was on his first treatment, Folfirinox he used to have two weeks off in between treatments. It was nice having the time off. Mike had more time to recover in between treatments and we didn't have to trek out to Boston once a week. Now that he has three weeks on and one week off we look forward to the rare weeks off. Even though it's his week off it doesn't give us a break from cancer and its side effects. He has had low energy, fatigue, depression and so on. Our work days are sometimes shorter and we spend more time at home resting.




Mike's rash from the side
effects of treatment

Every few treatments he has been developing a rash on his hands and arm. It's bright red, itches and burns. His oncologist is aware of it... he is not sure why it happens. I think it's obvious its from his chemo. He could see a dermatologist but Mike doesn't want another doctor appointment and his oncologist agrees that it's not bothersome enough to do anything right now. We've tried some home remedies, creams and medication but nothing seems to soothe it. It just has to take it's course until it goes away.

One of Mike's biggest struggles with this new treatment was with the side effect of losing his hair. Even though he has been shaving his head since he was in his twenties he didn't want to loose his eyebrows. We joke with new people that he isn't bald from treatment and that he was bald before cancer. Mike never wanted to lose his eyebrows because he thinks it makes him look "sick". People often tell us how good he looks and that he doesn't look like he has cancer. Now that his eyebrows have lighten and thinned out it makes him feel worse and I believe more depressed. He doesn't want me to take photos of him. I always overkill every situation and take lots photos of everything (I can thank my mom for that)! He tells me no more photos. I know he hates seeing himself without his eyebrows. I know he doesn't believe me when I tell him but I think he looks handsome with his thinner eyebrows. He will always be my handsome man no matter what!

Every once in a while when Mike and I are out working someone who hasn't seen him in a while stops him in his tracks with the familiar phrases such as "you don't look well..." "have you been sick?" or "you look really sick today!". When you know someone is sick with cancer these are the worst things you can say to them. Everyday is a battle sometimes getting out of bed and going to work is a small victory. To be told you "look sick" when you are terminally ill is a constant reminder and makes your stomach turn. If someone doesn't know he is sick when they say these things Mike then lets them know he has cancer. The next dreadful question is what do you have and I always cringe when he says pancreatic cancer. In that moment the person either knows exactly what that disease means and they don't know what to say next or they have no idea what the incurable disease means and they wish him to get well "soon". We can't get mad or upset with people who don't know what the disease is or that he's even sick. All we can do is take a breath and try to educate them. There are days when Mike feels okay and people will tell him he doesn't look well and I get angry. I want to protect him. I can read him like a book I know when something is wrong. I can see the pain in his eyes when he is upset or he hears something depressing. It could take him from a good mood to a depressed mood in just moments that can linger over him for hours on end. People often ask me how do I do it? I hate it when they say they couldn't handle my life if they were in my shoes. I do what I do because I love my husband. It's not my place to walk away or not handle the situation I have been handed. Life is full of challenges. We have been handed a shitty hand in life but we have to fight and be strong for each other. We are not religious people. Some people don't understand our choice. However, we believe in each other and are thankful for all those people out there that think of us and pray for us everyday.

Mike will often say he wishes he could have nothing wrong with him even if it was just for an hour. No pain, no nausea, no stomach problems, no achy legs, no rashes, no hair loss, no sadness, no fears, no worries. It's hard to hear him say it. If I could trade back and forth with him and fight the battle physically with him I would in a heartbeat. I wish I could give his body and mind the break he deserves. As his spouse and caregiver I fight a battle of my own every moment of every day on top of my own struggles with my health. Good health is something so many of us take for granted. I can't imagine how he feels and what goes through his mind. It's such a cruel way to have to live a life of being diagnosed with an incurable disease. I will never understand it... Some days I wish we could just wake up from his horrible nightmare.

Mike and I were able to get out this weekend and have some fun. We went to a haunted woods walk on Saturday night and then we went to the Patriots game on Sunday. Mike's body is paying for it now. He has been exhausted and sore ever since. However he is happy he was able to get out and have some fun.


Mike & I tailgating

Having fun with friends and family!

I recently was able to enjoy a spa day at a local spa that was donated to me. I got a manicure, pedicure, and massage and it was desperately needed. I struggled with feeling guilty for going out and getting pampered even though I know it's needed. It is not easy for me to get out of the house without Mike. People are always telling me I need to do things for myself. I know that I do I get it. I also know that I need and want to be there for my husband and I make sacrifices to do so. I know he doesn't like to be alone at home. We truly enjoy being together. We spend 24/7 together and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's my best friend. I don't want to be told what I have to do because no one knows what I am going through and sometimes I just need people to understand that.

November is pancreatic cancer awareness month...

I am always trying to find ways to raise awareness for Pancreatic Cancer such as through my blog, through local pancreatic cancer research walks and other events. When I found this company I was excited. Their mission is to help others be brave during their difficult times as well as allow others to purchase jewelry and make a donation to a fundraiser of their choice. Bravery and strength is something that I have had to learn the hard way. I hope my husband and I can inspire others to BE BRAVE!

There are times in all of our lives where we need to be brave – whether for ourselves, for our family, for our friends, or even for a complete stranger. Bravelet bracelets are more than just something to wear on your wrist. They are a symbol of hope, strength and courage. They are designed to help you be brave in the toughest of times.

The triangle is the strongest geometric shape. Bravelet bracelets are worn to help you be strong and brave in tough situations. Therefore, Bravelet and triangles are a perfect pair. The triangle is incorporated not only in the Bravelets logo, but also in every item’s single design. Plain and simple, the triangle represents strength, just like Bravelet.

Each Bravelet that is purchased through this site donates $10 to Mike's Fight. To purchase a Bravelet Click Here

I recently posted this on my facebook that I wanted to share here too.

"As October comes and goes I see a lot of people getting upset about pink breast cancer ribbons everywhere. They're not necessarily mad about the cancer itself more so mad at the lack of purple ribbons plastered everywhere for pancreatic cancer. I myself feel the same struggles with this fight. We see pink ribbons for breast cancer everywhere in October but not purple ribbons for pancreatic cancer awareness in November. I was researching cancer statistics and got a better understanding as to why pink breast cancer stuff is everywhere! Here is what I found... an estimated 234,190 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and estimated 40,730 will die from it. Breast cancer is the most diagnosed cancer of them all. Pancreatic cancer has an estimated 48,960 people that will be diagnosed this year and 40,560 will die. About the same death toll in a year as breast cancer. However, there isn't as much funding or research for pancreatic cancer as there is for breast cancer. Even though pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest... It's not the most common either. Breast cancer the most common therefore most funded and commercialized. I hate it as much as everyone else. My husband and many others deserve a better chance! Breast cancer awareness didn't get big on its own... People advocated for it and that is what we need to do for pancreatic cancer. Most of us never heard of it until our loved ones were diagnosed and that is the sad truth we face everyday. We have to educate others know it, fight it, end it! Go Purple!!"

 

This is the site I used to find those statistics if you scroll down and look at the statistics they are defiantly an eye opener... http://www.cancer.gov/types/common-cancers

After what I thought would be a short blog tonight turned into a pretty long one! I am off to bed. Thank you for reading!

Donate to Mike's Fight... all donations go directly to Mike & I. Click Here

Each Bravelet that is purchased through this site donates $10 to Mike's Fight. To purchase a Bravelet Click Here